First and foremost, yes...it is Valentine's Day, and barring overly-opinionated whining and hand-wringing about commercialism and consumerism and all other sorts of bad -isms, let's just establish one simple thing:
I don't care.
I happen to like V-day because it provides me...us, the everyman of the world - a solid, unflinching date on the calendar to do something special for her (or him, depending on how you swing your bat) just because. Sure, I could certainly do that something special for her on the 13th, or the 15th...and fight the good fight against The Man and his profiteering ways. But why not be the rockstar and come through on THE day as well? We make feeble attempts at discovering the right gift, the right flower, the right card, or even just the right words to tell them we love them...and hopefully, with crossed fingers, held breath and a little luck - she'll really enjoy what you did, said, and gave, and not because you need to score brownie points for fucking up the last anniversary or completely brain-farting Christmas or her birthday (God help you if you fall into that category...I can only help with so much).
We do it for that smile. For the laughter. For her love. For that moment, however brief it may be.
That, or you're a total fuckup and need every brownie point on the Karma Scale you can scrounge because the smart money says that no, no she does NOT find a new cordless power drill all that romantic. Nice work, Scooter. Enjoy sleeping on the couch.
From the Reader Mailbag, I give you this little nugget of email spam wisdom I found fitting, given the particular day and sentiment therein. I've dressed it up just a little because...well...it was spam, and such standards do not exist in any dimension I know. Enjoy:
The Mens' Survival Guide: Chapter 12 - Learning the native language:
1.) FINE: In the language of women, this signifies the end of an argument regardless of right or wrong, and you need to just shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this is directly proportionate to dog years. When doing your calculations, "five minutes" = 30-45 minutes real-time, give or take.*
**It must be noted that Five Minutes = five REAL minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before the chores must be attended to.
3.) Nothing: AKA Calm Before the Storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. It's a trap!!
5.) Loud Sigh: Though technically not a word, but a very important, non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh generally indicates that she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time arguing with you. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: She is thanking you - do not question, faint, laugh, or be scared. Just say you're welcome and don't make eye contact.
8.) Whatever: AKA "Fuck you and die." If you hear this before, during, or after any interaction with the woman - pack accordingly.
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, directly translated as 'I guess 5 minutes wasn't 5 minutes so I'll just have to do it myself!'
More often than not, this results in the man asking "what's wrong?" - please refer to #3, and in the worst circumstances, #8 for possible responses.
Oh, right!! I know it's been a while since the last update, and I totally spaced on this LAST week.