Where bad things happen...

Not even really sure where to begin, and this day's just barely half-over.

My adventures in life thus far have been just that: adventures. Yeah sure, some have been more on the 'hey that wasn't fun at ALL' side than not, but that's life as we know it, and things could certainly and undeniably be worse. Figuring out the headache of bills and what to wear to a job interview pales in the stress-level comparison to things like getting shot at or wondering if you're home just got jihad'ed into oblivion.

Yeah, me and my problems? Not so much.

Thing is, I still have to deal with them, and that's the part I hate the most. I just want things to be smooth, simple. Not easy, mind you. Easy is boring. I don't mind the adventure and chaos by any stretch, but it's the mundane crap that wears me down.

Eh.

I'm still working towards retiring from this life by 40 and trading in this little plot of Internet real estate for a beach somewhere in Mexico. Once I get there, you'll never hear from me again, I can promise that.

So what else is going on....

Oh right right - from the Department of Supporting Like-Minded Individuals That Andrew Cares About:

- You, the fabulous readers that I also care about (mostly), may have seen this linked up in the corner there, where I claim that I'd gladly trade in an existing relative of mine to call Kelly family. One hell of a cool chick and seriously, who doesn't like hot blondes on motorcycles? I mean really...

- Exhibit B is none other than the fabulous Amy, who I've mentioned sparingly in past blogzorings only because, well...frankly, I'm a chickenshit.

Well ok that's not true (mostly). Wait yes it is. I am such a chickenshit that even thinking about what I'm about to write is making my gut twist up into little knots of anxiety.

But what the hell. No one actually reads this anyway, so what do I have to lose.

Months back, I had the pleasure of meeting Amy quite by accident. One storied Thursday afternoon, I was being pestered by a coworker to join him and what I would later learn was his blind date over at the Shoe for drinks. Without saying as much, I was being drafted as his wingman and after much arguing (i really was tired and just wanted to go home and sleep), I agreed to hang out for a bit. Besides, I wanted to meet this Amy chick anyway and maybe shoot some pool with Snatchpatch if she stopped by.

Super. So I rolled up to the Shoe, and as I was lighting a smoke, Glenn introduces me to Amy...and frankly, 'holy shit' is about the only way to sum it up, as crudely as that sounds.

Hot. Smokin' hot. Way to go Glenn! I was thinking to myself as we walked in to order liquor and enjoy the evening.

Long story short, Amy and I shot pool, talked, drank, then we moved the little party up to Slugger's where we had more pool to shoot, more liquor to drink, and more to talk about. We all got pretty slammed, and shortly thereafter Kelly bailed...then Glenn took off, so it was just me and Amy hanging out late into the evening.

Uh, what? Dude I thought you said this was Glenn's blind date?

Right you are sir, and yes, as intended wingman for the evening I certainly let my boy down, but it wasn't planned that way, and I certainly felt like a giant tool thereafter. But when you just hit it off with someone like that...what can you do?

Editor's note: Glenn and I chatted about the whole thing well afterwards and we're all good. Love the guy and wouldn't want to ever lose his friendship.

Fast-forward a ways through long phone conversations, ducking out for a beer on occassion between work and picking up kids, and here we are. Looking back over what feels like a really, really long time, 'tho I know it hasn't, I've had a lot to think about and process. Going through the end of a relationship and coming out the other side like you've walked on fire...I think that's helped me in so many ways, and provided me with such perspective on who I am, where I want to go in life, and how I treat people around me. I've told Amy numerous times - she's getting the best version of me that's ever been, due in large part to me finally paying attention to how badly I can fuck things up when I don't pay attention.

The greatest thing about her...well, ok..there are many, many great things about her, which is why I'm sitting here typing away like this. Of course she's stunningly beautiful, incredibly intelligent and just a downright good person - those are all top-shelf qualities on anyone's scorecard.

One of the biggest things that attracts me to her, though, is her incredible strength. She too, has walked that fire, moreso than you or I will ever know or have to suffer through...and yet, she keeps going, keeps smiling, keeps changing lives and pushing through the chaos that seems to surround her.

I find that will, that determination and strength...just incredible.

So, here we are, and why I'm a chickenshit.

How do you tell someone that you love them, without old scars and new fears completely washing away whatever strength and character you think you may posses? I wish I knew, because even now, given all my own adventures and shortcomings in life, and all the issues (she calls them 'red flags') that present themselves when involving myself with her...I keep coming back to the same conclusion.

I think about her when I wake up.
I think about her when I fall asleep.
She's on my mind all throughout the day.
I love listening to her snore.
I love teaching her things I know, and learning things she knows.
She inspires me to think big, and yes goddammit why NOT write a screenplay or start a business of my own?

She is all of those things, and so much more, that I have this unyielding need to just blurt it out whenever she's around - but I can't.

I am so afraid of knocking down that last little bit of my protective barrier.
I am so fucking scared of what she'll say, or better yet - WON'T say.

I am terrified of getting hurt again, losing her...and all because I may or may not be pushing things too fast.

So what the fuck do I do?

*sigh* I think I'm a pretty good guy...or at least trying to be. I know it's stupid and cliche, but man, I've already seen myself getting old with this woman, and having such stories to tell along the way. Sure, there are red flags everywhere - but I just don't care. I have and can deal with just about anything, and would suffer through whatever I had to to make her happy and prove that I'm worth it. Worth loving back.

Eh.

Anyone have any ideas on how I can maximize my "Hey Amy - I love you, and have been falling in love with you since the day I met you" and minimize my 'ohshitohshitohshitohshit' ratio...I'd be more than obliged.

Until then, have a great weekend kids.

//end.