Meetings...

Today has been the Day of Conference Room Abuse.

I shit you not, I've been in the same 3 conference rooms on 6 different occassions today, and even got to take the one free half an hour of time to grab something to eat while I sat in my office, muted on a conference call.

Well, at least I know I'm wanted, right?


Anyway.

Amidst my flurry of meeting after meeting today (and during...sshh..), I went and did two things:

- Finally updated Ye Olde MySpace and dumped some more recent pics. Bask in the glory.

- I managed to spend almost an entire meeting thinking about her, and it was easily the best hour+ spent not focusing on work to date.


Looking back over my day today, I think things are going nicely. Still busy. Still sitting in a meeting. Still stupidly in love and wishing I was wherever she is right at this very moment.

But even so...I can't complain :)

//end.

Lazy Sundays...

I don't know what's better: waking up on a Sunday morning to see the sun warming the world, or waking up next to the most beautiful woman in the world who also just happens to be the love of my life.

Either way, I win.

*sigh* Things have been chugging away in positive forward progress, I guess. I'm still not entirely sure what's ahead, but I do know that the coming month is going to be interesting, if not completely rad. Taylor and mom are gearing up to make the big move to NC, just a little earlier than originally expected. I don't envy Tiah's impending logistical nightmare, and of course the thought of not seeing my little squirt until April certainly sucks, but it's going to work out well, I think.

We've got Valentine's Day looming near, and that little bastard Cupid being as efficient as ever, firmly lodged his love-poker directly in my chest months ahead of the game. I think he's got some product tie-in consortium working with Santa.

That glorious of non-holiday events is bookended by Olivia's birthday on the 11th, followed by Amy's b-day on the 24th, and then a week later, it's my yearly celebration of the anniversary of my 29th birthday.

Amidst all that fun, I've got a mountain of work at work, and a website to build.

Whoo. February's got my calendar on lock-down.

But it's all awesome. Several flavors of awesome, in fact. Hoping that once everything settles down, birthday presents are opened and V-day sentiments of undying love are fawned over, I may even get a chance to take the new wheels for a spin across the state to Spokanistan and see the family. I miss my siblings, even though we drive each other crazy after 72 hours, give or take. So a weekend may be just what the doctor ordered.

---

In other news, someone sent this to me via email, and I thought it was kinda poignant, if not sappy in a sappy sort of sappy way. Thinking it's jacked from a MySpace meme or something, but still...

To every guy that regrets hurting or losing her.

To every guy who knows which girl he wants!!!!!!!!!!

To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."

To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."

To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town (or across the state) to see her.

To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.

To every guy who has given her flowers just because.

To every guy that said he would die for her.

To every guy that really would.

To every guy that did what she wanted to do.

To every guy that cried in front of her.

To every guy that she cried in front of.

To every guy that holds hands with her.

To every guy that kisses her with meaning.

To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.

To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.

To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.

To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.

TO EVERY GUY THAT WOULD SIT AND WAIT FOR HER FOR HOURS JUST TO SEE HER FOR TEN MINUTES.

To every guy that would give his seat up.

To every guy that just wants to cuddle.

To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.

To every guy who told his secrets to her.

To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.

To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.

To every guy that believed in her dreams.

To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.

To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.

To every guy that walked her to her car.

To every guy that wasn't just trying to get laid.

To every guy that gave his heart

To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.

This is one is you.

Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore...And because of this, there are not many left out there...

I'm not gonna toot a horn, but I think I scored 100% on that quiz.

//end.

Varied and wonderfully useless:

I think I'll just randomly fill this entry with the tidbits that amuse me throughout the day.

This plan cannot fail!

---
Step One: visit DeLorean.com, purveyors of all things Delorean (the Back to the Future car...wtf is wrong with you.)

Step Two: Search for "flux"

Step Three: Bask in the Awesome.

Bonus Stage Hint: Part numbers run the show.

---

This will only make sense if:

a) You play or have played WoW
b) Got to end-game content
c) Understand what the BC expansion did to the game

If the above are true, the below will amuse you as it did me:

{You have entered 60 Bosses Chat}
{BaronRivendare has come online}
{Gandling}: what's up.
{BaronRivendare}: hey.
{Gandling} : what you doin
{BaronRivendare} : nothin just ridin my horse. Are you lagging?
{Gandling} : dont think so
{Gandling} : y
{BaronRivendare} : havent seen any mobs in three days. think i'm dc'd but just dont know it.
{Gandling} : oic
{Gandling} : same
{BaronRivendare} : bored. u wanna do a me run?
{Gandling} : lol
{Gandling} : at least you get more time with the baroness lol
{BaronRivendare} : lol yeah
{BaronRivendare} : she can definitely take more than 45 minutes if she wants to
{Gandling} : o_O
{Drakkisath has come online}
{BaronRivendare} : 'Sup Drak
{Gandling} : wb
{Gandling} : dc'd?
{Drakkisath} nah thought I heard someone coming in downstairs.
{Drakkisath} was nef and rend fighting again.
{Drakkisath} they usually stop if people come over. nef thinks its funny when rend gets pwned and goes back to sitting on his throne.
{Drakkisath} brb snack
{Drakkisath has gone offline}
{Gandling} SCHOOL IS IN SESSION
{BaronRivendare} wtf
{Gandling} Sorry, just trying to keep up the routine.
{Ysida Harmon} DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. JUST SLAY THIS ABOMINATION AND RID THE WORLD OF HIS FILTH FOREVER
{BaronRivendare} stfu there isnt even anyone here
{Gandling} damn, caps, jeez
{BaronRivendare} sry
{Gandling} think im gonna go to my alchemy lab
{Gandling} brew up some 'refreshments' to pass the time
{BaronRivendare} lol kk
{Gandling has gone offline}
{BaronRivendare} /sigh
{BaronRivendare} /silly
{BaronRivendare} /silly
{BaronRivendare} /silly
{BaronRivendare} /flirt
{Ysida Harmon} can i go?
{BaronRivendare} stfu
{Nefarian has come online}
{Nefarian} WTF
{Nefarian} where's drak
{BaronRivendare} gettin a snack
{Nefarian} Is it Tuesday?
{BaronRivendare} naw man its Saturday
{Nefarian} you laggin
{BaronRivendare} nope same problem tho
{Nefarian} damn
{Majordomo Executus has come online}
{EliteGuard has come online}
{EliteGuard has come online}
{EliteGuard has come online}
{EliteGuard has come online}
{Healer has come online}
{Healer has come online}
{Healer has come online}
{Healer has come online}
{Majordomo Executus} : hey
{EliteGuard} hey
{EliteGuard} hey
{EliteGuard} hey
{EliteGuard} hey
{Healer} hey
{Healer} hey
{Healer} hey
{Healer} hey
{MajordomoExecutus} jesus christ shut up you're driving me crazy with that
{Majordomo Executus} all damn day
{EliteGuard} sry
{EliteGuard} sry
{EliteGuard} sry
{EliteGuard} sry
{Healer} sry
{Healer} sry
{Healer} sry
{Healer} sry
{EliteGuard is now being ignored}
{Healer is now being ignored}
{MajordomoExecutus} rag told me to ask you guys if you're all laggin'
{Nefarian} nah
{Drakkisath has come online}
{BaronRivendare} no i'm goin real fast
{Drakkisath} that's what the baroness says
{Nefarian} PWNED
{MajordomoExecutus} haha ss'd.
{BaronRivendare} ass
{Drakkisath} dammit i'm bored. where are all the mobs?
{Ragnaros has come online}
{Nefarian} hey rag.
{Ragnaros} TASTE THE FLAMES OF SULFURON
{MajordomoExecutus} wtf caps
{BaronRivendare} o_O
{Nefarian} you dont have to put on your show, there arent any mobs around
{Ragnaros} where the hell is everyone
{Level 64 human warrior has come online}
{Nefarian} niiiiiice
{Nefarian} Im not even gonna use my skellies
{BaronRivendare} same
{Level 64 human warrior has killed Drakkisath}
{Nefarian} ....
{BaronRivendare} wt...
{Level 64 human warrior has killed BaronRivendare}
{Nefarian} jesus
{MajordomoExecutus} /inspect
{MajordomoExecutus} wtf he's wearing greens!
{Level 64 human warrior has killed Majordomo Executus}
{Ragnaros} BY FIRE BE PUR}
{Level 64 human warrior has killed Ragnaros}
{Nefarian} omg
{Nefarian has gone offline}
{Level 64 human warrior} lol noobz
{Level 66 night elf hunter has come online}
{Level 64 human warrior} 2 minutes 34 seconds, beat it
{Level 66 night elf hunter} oh i will
{Level 66 night elf hunter} what are all these healers and elites doing here?

When things just fall into place...

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness, concerning all acts of initiative (and creation). There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.

- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

I can't tell you how well this fits into so many facets of my life. Big ups to Mr. Von Goethe, and my rad mom for passing it along when I needed it the most.

More badass news of badassery coming soon, with pics even! For reals.

//end.

Killing time with no time to kill.

The things I'll stoop to when looking to fill the gap between meetings on a Monday.

A 200 Question Fun Survey:

Full Name: Andrew Michael

Birthday: March '76

Birthplace: Lackland AFB, San Antonio Texas

Eye Color: Hazel, but they change with the season

Hair Color: Brown

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 260

Right handed or Left handed?: Right

Your Heritage: Irish, Polish, and a whole mess of other stuff

My Worst Habit: Smoking

Zodiac Sign: Pisces

Shoe Size: 11.5-13, depending on the shoe

Pants Size: whatever fits? I don't fkn know.

Innie or Outie?: Innie. I think outties are a myth in the 21st century.

Parents Still Together?: Nope

The Shoes You Wore Today: the charcoal Chuck Taylor lows!

Your Weakness: Amy

Your Fears: Complacency. And being eaten by bears.

Your Perfect Pizza: Thin-crust pepperoni, mozzarella & asagio cheese

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: To be my own boss

Your Most Overused Phrase On An Instant Messenger: wtf?

Thoughts First Waking Up: I wish Amy was here.

Your Best Physical Feature: I have no idea. I've heard eyes, arms, back, hair...whatever.

Your Bedtime: when I fall asleep

Your Most Missed Memory: how do you miss a memory?

MY FAVORITES
Favorite color?: Blue

Food?: Anything found on a grill

Sport?: Baseball

Animal?: don't have one really

Ice Cream?: Natural vanilla bean or chocolate-chip mint

Candy?: anything cinnamon

Store?: Target

Salad Dressing?: Caeser or balsamic vinegarette

Actor?: movie hound - too many to list

Song?: Currently listening to: Amon Tobin

Letter?: A

Number?: 7 and 42

Gum?: Cinnamon

Holiday?: 4th of July and Christmas

Season?: Summer

Toothpaste Flavor?: uh, Aquafresh Cinnamon...I think. It's red.

Radio Station?: 107.7 the End, if I must.

Perfume?: Whatever she wears

Scent besides perfume?: Amy's hair

FRIENDS AND LIFE
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?: Retired by 35!

How Do You Want To Die?: Pass

Which One Of Your Friends Acts The Most Like You?: None of them, thankfully

Who's The Loudest?: My brother, Ben

Who Makes You Laugh The Most?: My brother, Ben

Who Have You Known The Longest?: Family

Who's The Shyist?: Don't know many shy folks

When Have You Cried The Most?: When my ex and daughter moved out, years ago. That sucked.

What Is The Best Feeling In The World?: Having her close to me

Worst Feeling?: Whenver she's not

Where Do You Want To Live When You Grow Up?: Beach in Mexico

If You Could Change One Thing About You What Would It Be?: My crooked jaw

How Long Do You Think You'll Live?: Long enough, I hope


FINISH EACH SENTENCE
Let's walk on the: beach

Let's look at the: stars

What a nice: set of dimples. (wink)

Where did all the: beer go?

Why can't we: just lay in bed naked all day?

Silly, little: inconveniences of life, getting in the way!

Isn't it weird that: love smacks you in the face when you least expect it... :)

Never under any circumstance: trust a carny.

I wish: that I could snap my fingers and make dreams come true.

Everyone has a: purpose.

I am: getting bored with this stupid survey.

HAVE YOU EVER
Been In Love?: Absolutely

Been To Juvie?: Nope

Mooned Someone?: Nope

Been Rejected?: Not really...for a job, maybe.

Ran Away From Home?: Yeah

Pictured Your Crush Naked?: Of course

Skipped School?: More often than not

Thought About Suicide?: Talk about a moment of weakness. I don't think so, Alex.

Slept Outside?: Yep

Laughed So Hard You Cried?: Oh yeah. hang around with Ben long enough and you will too.

Cried In School?: Probably.

Thrown Up In School?: On the bus a couple times

Wanted To Be a Model?: Nope

Cheated On Someone?: Nope

Done Something Really Stupid That You Still Laugh At Today?: If you can't laugh at yourself what the hell's the point

Seen A Dead Body?: Unfortunately

Drank Alcohol?: Yes please

Smoked?: Unfortunately

Been On Drugs?: Nothing more than smokin' a bowl.

Eaten Sushi?: Blech.

Been On Stage?: Yep

Gone Skinny Dipping?: Yep

Shoplifted?: Yep. Got caught too. That sucked.

Been Drunk?: Yes please!

Been Called A Tease?: Yep

Been Beaten Up?: Nope


DO YOU
Swear?: Like a drunken sailor with Turret's

Sing Well?: Nope

Shower Daily?: Yes

Want To Go To College?: Nope

Want To Get Married?: Yep

Believe In Yourself?: Slowly, but yeah

Get Motion Sickness?: Used to

Think You Are Attractive?: Depends on the day

Get Along With Your Parents?: One of them, yeah

Like Thunderstorms?: Absolutely

Play An Instrument?: Not yet, no

Own An IPOD?: Nope

Pray?: Every day

Go To Church?: Not any more

Sleep With Stuffed Animals?: Nope

Keep A Journal/Diary?: You're reading it peenhead.

Dance in the rain?: mkay fruitloop, let's get on with it.

Sing In The Shower?: Seriously...


THIS OR THAT
Pepsi or Coke?: Coke Zero!

McDonald's or Burger King?: McDuck's - can never find a BK around here

Single or Group Dates?: Quiet night at home on the couch wins every time, but out with friends is awesome too

Chocolate or Vanilla?: Chocolate

Strawberries or Blueberries?: Strawberries

Meat or Veggies?: Meat

TV or Movie?: either way

Guitar or Drums?: Drums

Adidas or Nike?: either way

Chinese or Mexican?: either way

Cheerios or Corn Flakes?: Cheerios

Cake or Pie?: Cherry pie

MTV or VH1?: either way

Blind or Deaf?: deaf

Boxers or Briefs?: Cotton boxer briefs


CAN YOU
Do The Splits?: Used to

Write With Both Hands?: Kinda

Whistle?: yep

Blow A Bubble?: Yep

Roll Your Tongue In A Circle?: Yep

Cross Your Eyes?: Yep

Walk With Your Toes Curled?: Yep

Touch Your Tongue to Your Nose?: No. Weirdo.

Dance?: So I've been told.

Eat Whatever You Want And Not Worry?: I wish.


WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON
You Touched: Amy

You Talked To On The Phone: Amy

You Instant Messaged: Gorzy msg'd me

You Hugged: Amy

You Yelled At: Coworker

You Played A Sport With: Taylor

WHAT'S THE LAST
Time You Laughed?: About 10 seconds ago

Time You Cried?: Been quite a while

Movie You Watched?: Jackass #2 unrated. Awesome x100.

Flavor Of Gum You Chewed?: Dentyne Fire

Joke You Told?: Uh....

Song You've Sung?: Johnny Cash "Cry, Cry, Cry"


RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT
Where Are You?: My office

What Can You See Out Your Window?: Construction across the street

Are You Listening To Music?: Yep, Devil Driver is currently assaulting my ears

What Are You Wearing?: Jeans, shirt, shoes.

What's On Your Mousepad?: Mousepads are for the weak-willed.

BELIEFS

Do you believe there is life on other planets?: Sure

Do you believe in miracles?: Yep

Magic?: Kinda...not really...yeah no.

Love at first sight?: Totally

God?: Yep

Satan?: Yep

Ghosts?: Dunno...

Santa?: Of course!

Evolution?: Yep


RANDOM
What Country Would You Most Like To Visit?: Any

Number Of CD's I Own: Too many to list

Your Good Luck Charm: Taylor :)

How many pillows do you sleep with?: 4...only use 1.

Do you drink milk?: Yep

Person You Hate Most: I don't have the energy to hate. I strongly dislike our douchebag president though, that's a start....

Most Outdated Phrase: Uh...

Do you think God has a gender?: Does it matter?

Where do you think we go when we die?: The great skate park in the sky!

How many rings until you answer the phone?: Custom ringtones = awesome.

What is something scientists need to invent?: Teleporters. Fuuuuck traffic.

Are you a health freak?: riiiight.

If you could travel into space, where would you go?: Any and everywhere

What is the worst weather?: Fuck ice and fuck snow.

Did you play with Barbies as a child?: Again with the gay. Enough already.

How many grades have you failed?: None
----


Good lord. What have I done....

Just because:

This cannot go unnoticed.

Sunday evenings...

This came up in a conversation the other day, and I figured it was worth preserving, since I've never really written about this whole series of events before.

----
Right out of high school, instead of going off to college as I should've done, I opted to head south to immerse myself in the Texas half of my family as part escaping the nest and part 'I'm a jackass who doesn't know what he wants to do yet' move.

(my father's entire family has lived in Texas for generations, all the way back to the Alamo days, so I'm told)

So, spending the summer there with my grandparents and aunt & uncle, taking in all the new and unusual perspectives that I hadn't been exposed to was quite an adventure. Not all fun and games, however, as both my grandfather (known to all as "Pop"), and my grandmother (Liz), were both getting on in years and dealing with a multitude of health issues.

My grandmother had been suffering through various heart and circulatory problems for years, resulting in the amputations of both legs near her hips by the end of it all. So, by my arriving there, I was indoctrinated into the day-to-day care of a bed-ridden grandmother, from changing diapers, preparing meals and even bathing.

Fun stuff.

My grandfather, Pop, was as good-natured as he could be given the whole situation, and I like to think that he enjoyed just having company to sit and watch baseball with. He also taught me quite a bit about fishing, one of his many passions, and even gave me some of his "special" tried and true bass lures.

I was out fishing one morning (we lived right on the shore of Medina Lake, Lake Hills TX), and my uncle was taking the day off from work to get some projects at home finished up. Standing down on the dock, I hear Dean holler "Andrew! Get up here quick!!" - having never really heard my uncle's voice with that kind of urgency, I knew something was wrong...my mind shuffled through all the possible problems I was about to face - had my grandmother rolled out of her bed and fallen? Did Pop forget his asthma medication again and need the respirator?

When I walked into the house, Pop was sitting on the edge of the couch and looked very pale, and my uncle was in the back bedroom on the phone. I noticed Pop's eyes were closed and his tongue was sticking out just a little...I kind of froze for a second, then heard my uncle come back up to the front room and asked me to help lay Pop down on the ground, the ambulance was on the way.

What...? What the hell is going on? was all I could hear in my head.

I kind of mechanically helped my uncle pick Pop up and we laid him down on the ground, and my mind suddenly decided to rejoin the current world and realized what was happening - Pop was either dying or dead, and we were the only ones there to help.

I started CPR and didn't stop until the medics pushed me out of the way to but a mask over Pop's face.

By the time the coroner arrived, word had spread as it tends to in the south, and family members I'd never even met were arriving by the minute, all in big-hair and too-much-makeup frantics that only Texas can give the world.

I kind of faded into the background, and walked up to the top floor of my aunt and uncle's in-mid-construction house across the lot from my grandparents' place, and sat on the loft rafters, watching the whole scene. Pop had been pronounced dead, and I heard someone on a cell phone asking where to find a larger body bag...the one he had wasn't going to fit. (Pop was a big man at 6'3", 300 lbs easily).

I should've been sad, or crying, or...something. But I wasn't. I was kind of just numb, I guess, and letting it all sink in. I sat there for hours as the sun started to go down, and slowly the ambulance and medical personnel and family members trickled out of the house and drove away or up the hill to the other house to do whatever families do when someone dies.

Sitting in the rafters, staring off over Pop's tomato garden that he cherished so much...and this is pretty hokey and cliche, I know, but I had one of those little chats with God, and just asked Him if Pop was ok. As I tumbled those words around in my head, a dove decided to fly up and park itself on a support beam not more than 2 feet away from me. We sort of looked at each other for a while, and the silly bird cocked it's head sideways at me, made that eerily-comforting 'coo'ing' sound that doves make....and I had a simple, warm feeling flush over me right then and there.

Some time later, my dad flew down for the memorial service, which was both a blessing, as I had begun to miss home severely and having him around in this new environment helped - and a curse, because it was the second, and last, I imagine, time that I saw my dad cry.

Pop was cremated. The flowers eventually wilted, the cards and well-wishes put away in a box and stayed on my aunt and uncle's dresser-top next to my grandfather's ashes, which later became known as Pop-In-A-Box...my uncle's disgustingly funny sense of humor being what it was.

And finally, we spread Pop out amongst his tomato plants, and I knew Pop was alright, happily taking up residence at that new, perfect fishing hole, wishing he could tell us to stop with all the fuss.


----

//end.

Insert witty title here.

When I sit down to type these little thoughts and feelings, it's for myself and no one else.

A long time ago, I heard of a psychological technique that intrigued me, and in practice, it seems to work, at least for me in some fashion.

The technique was primarily used to help people dealing with pain and struggles of their own, be it abuse, an alcoholic parent, or a failing relationship in counseling, and any number of life's horrible dealings that face us all.

It involves the person in question writing out or drawing on paper all the anger, pain, resentment, anguish, loss and depression. Be it a journal or diary, or even just on note cards or the closest paper plate one happens upon.

The act of writing is in itself, very therapeutic, and I recommend it to any and everyone out there. But the therapy exercise took it one step further: once the person had gotten everything out that they needed to, the writings were put to flame and burned to ashes.

Very dramatic, I know, but it makes sense.

We hold onto so much pain in our lives - it's just part of being a species with cognitive thought and deep, lasting memories. We always have to think back and recall the GOOD...but the BAD is always there, just under the surface, ready to spring itself on our lives, from just hearing a particular song on the radio, or finding an old picture buried in a box long forgotten.

Something as simple as a smell, or the way someone says something to us, sets us down that path of hurt, and we suddenly remember why we bear the scars that we do.

How do we let it go? How can we forgive, and learn to love again?

Well, someone's idea: burn it.

We write it all down, taking control of those faded memories and very real pain, in our own words, with our own minds and spirits guiding the pen or hitting the keys.

And we burn it.

The old therapy trick noted that the simple act of willfully putting those notes, those scars into the fire...watching the flame come alive with something new to feed on...seeing the paper, or the card, or the pictures drawn fade away into an unrecognizable pile of ash...it provides such a real, tangible release to the person in need of doing so.

So, here I am.

My paper, an electronic notebook full of questions, realizations, small moments of clarity interspersed with the true comedy of life.

My flame, the vast openness of wired space, where someone from Asia is a daily reader of my little thoughts and silly stories.

But I write for myself. And I click a button to burn them in the fire. And even now, in sitting here and clik-clacking away on my keyboard, I feel a sense of release, like the wind blowing across me, refreshing the very spirit, strength and love that I need.

I mentioned in a prior post that this year was going to be quite different and most definitely interesting, if not exciting, and I still hold true to that. But I'm finding myself still asking those questions above, and I suppose that will never really end. In an ironic way, I think those same questions are what keeps us going, keeps us striving forward to improve, to grow, to learn and mature.


So I write, and I burn. With each pseudo-ash I create, I find my strength and patience renewed.


//end.

New year, same pants.

Wow, ok world...I get it. It's a new year, and there are a thousand and one things to hold retrospective anthologies about, from Best\Worst , to Top <#> of 2006.

I get it. It's over. 2006 is history, and you can't see where you're going if you keep looking back at where you've been, right?

Besides, was 2006 such a banner year, or do we kind of get wrapped up in the holidays (pun intended), for better or worse?

I dunno. I think it's a little of both...part lemming syndrome, and part real need to just change pace a little, go back and cherish the slightest hint of fond childhood memories, or even just try extra-hard to be a decent human being, if even just for a couple weeks in December.

Either way, I do it. You do it. We all fall into the holiday madness in some way, regardless of belief, skin color or theological belief. It's hard not to in our over-commercialized Land of the Consumer, isn't it.

Even so, I think our greatest holiday fallacy is the New Year's Resolution.

res·o·lu·tion –noun

1. a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, a club, or other group. Compare concurrent resolution, joint resolution.
2. a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.
3. the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.
4. the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.
5. the act or process of resolving or separating into constituent or elementary parts.
6. the resulting state.
7. Optics. the act, process, or capability of distinguishing between two separate but adjacent objects or sources of light or between two nearly equal wavelengths. Compare resolving power.
8. a solution, accommodation, or settling of a problem, controversy, etc.
9. Music. a. the progression of a voice part or of the harmony as a whole from a dissonance to a consonance.
b. the tone or chord to which a dissonance is resolved.

10. reduction to a simpler form; conversion.
11. Medicine/Medical. the reduction or disappearance of a swelling or inflammation without suppuration.
12. the degree of sharpness of a computer-generated image as measured by the number of dots per linear inch in a hard-copy printout or the number of pixels across and down on a display screen.
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[Origin: 1350–1400; ME < L resolūtiōn- (s. of resolūtiō), equiv. to resolūt(us) resolute + -iōn- -ion]
—Synonyms 4. resolve, determination, perseverance, tenacity; strength, fortitude.

...now, by and large, when speaking of calendar years rolling over, we go with Definition #2, and in most regards, setting such hard, fast resolve just makes the fall and failure that much farther and painful, doesn't it?

Who hasn't set a resolution for themselves, only to face the stark reality that quitting smoking or getting back in the gym or learning a new language is fucking hard, and come mid-March we're teetering on acceptance of our failures and vow to spend the next 8 months working towards a less concrete goal...perhaps just cutting back a little, and by next New Year's, well...dammit, we'll be ready!!

Fuck that.

If you want to quit smoking, you will, regardless of what your new calendar looks like.

If you want to get back in the gym, you'll find a way or you won't, and you don't have to butcher a traditional song like "Auld Lang Syne" in between keg-stands to tell you when it's ok to get started on improving yourself.

However, the end of one year and the moving into a new one is most certainly a time for reflection, of running the numbers of your life and see how you fared. I spent some time over the past weekend doing just that, and all told, my 2006 was pretty goddamned incredible.

The past year saw me:

- Turn 30
- Survive another company-wide layoff
- Discover a career
- Bring to life some old talents that I'd all but given up on
- Shed a bad relationship that should've ended long before '06
- Re-discover the meaning of family and friendship
- Realize long hair just isn't for me
- Discover what love really is, and how important it is to our lives
- Re-discover the absolute joy and peace in a child's smile
- Fall completely in love with someone that I cherish, and quite by accident

...and the rest, the in-between bits, are certainly documented (sporadically) here in these journal pages.

Looking back, it's been quite an impressive year for me. Yes, I need to quit smoking again, and yes, I need to get back in the gym again, and yes, I need to continue to focus on my career and my relationships. Those are every-day resolutions, and sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail.

So, instead of Definition #2, I went with #10 instead:

10. reduction to a simpler form; conversion.

This just seems right to me, and probably because it's a large part of what took place in my life over the past year. I've simplified my entire life, making things easier to manage, and presenting myself with exactly what I want, and what I need around me.

So, to continue that theme, I've given myself goals instead of just a resolve. Goals not just for 2007, but for the rest of my life:

- Happiness
- Purpose

...eh? See? Simple.

Happiness: I've found a level of happiness that I never thought possible in Amy.
Sure, I'll be the first to admit that it isn't easy. Kids, crazy relatives, annoying dog, hectic schedules, power outtages...you name it, we get to deal with it in some fashion. But I've got to tell you: I love being in love with that woman. I absolutely thrill in it, waking up next to her, crazy hair all over the place, just feeling her warmth near me.

Yeah, it's not easy. Nothing worth the effort in this world is ever easy, and she is most certainly worth the effort.

Which leads me to Simplified Goal of Life #2:

Purpose: I'm slowly beginning to find more purpose in my life, and not just to accomplish tasks like I'm working on a project. I really want to feel like I'm doing something to better the world, if even just the immediate world around me. It doesn't have to be so grandoise as to joining the Peace Corps and building mud huts in Zimbabwe - 'though that would be kinda cool.

I want purpose across the spectrum: I want to improve the world, I want to help people - perfect strangers that I'll never meet, and I want to improve my world and the loved ones that surround me.

So, in a very yin-yang, Zen-like way, my Happiness has given me the gateway to my Purpose, and discovering that Purpose, reveling in it and being excited about it... has given me even more Happiness.

I'm excited about 2007. I think this year is going to bring another round of firsts and discoveries to my life, and I welcome them all, even the rough ones.

- I enjoy my new job, but it is contract work.
Then again, there's a certain freedom to it all...I've never been much of the 9 to 5 guy anyway.

- My remaining grandparents will die.
I worry about my mom and how she will deal with things, but next to Amy, she's the toughest and strongest person I've ever known in my life. In a very harsh reality of life, their passing will relieve a great weight from my mother's shoulders.

- My daughter will be moving away.
North Carolina is a long ways away, but if even for a year trial-run, this could be a defining year in our relationship as kid and dad. She is a true Daughter of the 21st Century - divorce, text messaging, OnDemand cable, Barbie laptops, cell phones, war, global warming...her world is so much different than mine was at 6 years old, and I marvel at her ability to cope with it all and never losing herself, her just being a kid.

Some tough realities ahead of me, but again, I welcome them as part of the adventure. All in all, I want what everyone wants: a happy, simple, honest life to share with those I love, and everything I do is with that goal in mind. It didn't used to be that way, but my Happiness, she's shown me another way...and my Purpose, it's keeping me focused and driven.

The hell with resolutions. Just try simplifying and see where it gets you. :)


Happy New Year -

//end.