The Storm Theory
Some days, it just feels like I can't win.
I try. I am trying. Not just to win, really...but to just be. To get along, to be happy, to be content but never complacent.
I thought I was doing a pretty good job there for awhile, and then the Great Snowpocalypse of 2006 hit last week, and everything's been running downhill since.
Got sick, didn't pay attention to it...then got really sick. Made a bad choice with the best of intentions and am still paying the price.
Now? Now I'm just trying to maintain. To keep my faith where it needs to be. To be strong for someone I love deeply...but in order to do so, it means drawing back, ever so slightly.
For a while there, I thought things were finally moving in the right direction, and don't get me wrong, 99% of my life is not too shabby these days, battered kidneys notwithstanding.
It's that little 1% motherfucker that keeps tripping me up, and the more I try to just tell myself 'be patient...be strong...no one ever said this would be easy'..it doesn't seem to matter. Every day, I wake up and face another day of wondering, wishing, and longing, and regardless of my work, projects, sore, recovering body, I still feel erased. Scratched out. A side-note scribble.
Even so, I made a promise and it's one I intend to keep. It's this little avenue of outlet that allows me to press on and do what I need to do, each and every day.
I just hope that someday, what I am doing here and now will be looked upon with nothing but love, because that's why I am doing what I'm doing. Until then, I'll keep fighting these brief glimpses of loss, seperation...if only for the moment, it feels like I'm on the other side of the glass looking in, and I want nothing more in this world than to be there, with her.
God knows why I'm here, feeling like this...God knows how much I truly, deeply love her.
And I made a promise.
For her.
----
Update: Wow, well...in just under 9 hours, several questions of why and what's going on and am I ok, so let me clear a couple things up.
a) I am most certainly alive and will continue to remain so as planned for the next 35-50 years if all goes accordingly.
b) In reference to what I mentioned above, well... It's hard to explain, and even harder to deal with, but let me just say that through it all, I know it will be worthwhile. She is worth it..and if you don't know what or who I'm talking about, then you haven't really been paying much attention.
c) Yes, I do love her. More than I ever thought possible, and the coming days, weeks, months (god i hope not) are going to put that love to the test.
What happens next is out of my hands, and I know that. All I can do is keep my promise, be her hero, and let God and my love for her do the rest.
----
//end.
I try. I am trying. Not just to win, really...but to just be. To get along, to be happy, to be content but never complacent.
I thought I was doing a pretty good job there for awhile, and then the Great Snowpocalypse of 2006 hit last week, and everything's been running downhill since.
Got sick, didn't pay attention to it...then got really sick. Made a bad choice with the best of intentions and am still paying the price.
Now? Now I'm just trying to maintain. To keep my faith where it needs to be. To be strong for someone I love deeply...but in order to do so, it means drawing back, ever so slightly.
For a while there, I thought things were finally moving in the right direction, and don't get me wrong, 99% of my life is not too shabby these days, battered kidneys notwithstanding.
It's that little 1% motherfucker that keeps tripping me up, and the more I try to just tell myself 'be patient...be strong...no one ever said this would be easy'..it doesn't seem to matter. Every day, I wake up and face another day of wondering, wishing, and longing, and regardless of my work, projects, sore, recovering body, I still feel erased. Scratched out. A side-note scribble.
Even so, I made a promise and it's one I intend to keep. It's this little avenue of outlet that allows me to press on and do what I need to do, each and every day.
I just hope that someday, what I am doing here and now will be looked upon with nothing but love, because that's why I am doing what I'm doing. Until then, I'll keep fighting these brief glimpses of loss, seperation...if only for the moment, it feels like I'm on the other side of the glass looking in, and I want nothing more in this world than to be there, with her.
God knows why I'm here, feeling like this...God knows how much I truly, deeply love her.
And I made a promise.
For her.
----
Update: Wow, well...in just under 9 hours, several questions of why and what's going on and am I ok, so let me clear a couple things up.
a) I am most certainly alive and will continue to remain so as planned for the next 35-50 years if all goes accordingly.
b) In reference to what I mentioned above, well... It's hard to explain, and even harder to deal with, but let me just say that through it all, I know it will be worthwhile. She is worth it..and if you don't know what or who I'm talking about, then you haven't really been paying much attention.
c) Yes, I do love her. More than I ever thought possible, and the coming days, weeks, months (god i hope not) are going to put that love to the test.
What happens next is out of my hands, and I know that. All I can do is keep my promise, be her hero, and let God and my love for her do the rest.
----
//end.
posted by Andrew at 11:54 PM
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