The Aftermath...

December 26th. I need a holiday from the holidays.

All told, everything came together in rather fantastic fashion, although it got down to the wire there at the very end. For those not keeping score on the latest saga:

- After Hurrican Junior took out power to over a million homes in the greater Seattle metropolis, Amy was one of the lucky few to continue NOT having power several days later. Once the power was restored roughly around last Tuesday, her brilliant neighbors decided that there was some ground to be made up in the power-consumption arena - by "brilliant" I mean fucking retarded - and turned every goddamned thing on at the same time, thus killing the power to only HER building by way of knocking out an underground fuse or somesuch...sorry we have no ETA on when it will be fixed, ma'am.

So. Not only were we in the midst of one of the single most stressful times of the year, coupled with some already-troubling issues of her own accord in dealing with trust, promises being kept, and most importanly, her kids being happy...now she and her little family had become refugees, alternating between my house and her mom's place to keep warm and functioning.

A small emotional break-down, a giving up almost entirely on Christmas, life, God and everything inbetween, things were not looking good on the Eve of Christmas Eve.

But then....

Amy's brother Josh was flying in from New York as a surprise. Yay!
I was doing my very best to keep her spirits up, and did everything in my power to prove to her that Christmas was not lost, not on my fucking watch. Yay!
And eventually - Power was restored. Yay!

And by the time it was all said and done...everything worked out wonderfully.

- Friday evening Amy and the kids came over (this was pre-power back on, mind you), and Amy all but twisted my arm to open my gifts then and there. She got me a fantastic book that she's been telling me about for months, Life of Pi, and Olivia picked out this amazing candleholder piece with a really awesome vanilla candle...I dunno how that kid just knew that was for me, but we set it up next to the bed with my little bamboo plant, and it's like my own little corner of Zen.

I didn't have words to express how pleased I was, and it wasn't so much the gifts themselves, but the thoughtfulness and love behind them. I'll carry that candle around with me for the rest of my days.

- Saturday, Amy & kids headed out to help her mom prep for family events, and Taylor and I went to my mom's for dinner and to exchange gifts. My grandfather was there, and it was an absolute joy to just get to spend some time with him. He's pushing 95 now, and has varied health problems, so I know our time is limited. Just getting the chance to let him see Taylor, watch her play and to see him smile and laugh with her was wonderful.

Got back home, and the kids got to have Christmas, Act One together, gleefully tearing wrapping paper up and bouncing around having a grand time annoying my downstairs neighbor. Taylor (and her mom) were very sweet and got me a really nifty set of emergency tools for the car, some really nice sandalwood soap, and Resevoir Dogs, which, if you know me at all, you know that movies are the true way to my heart, especially violent badass-ery courtesy of Quinten Tarantino.

As mon a'mour and I finalized wrapping of presents for varied family members and friends, it seemed as though a weight had been lifted from her very-tired shoulders. So much stress, so much emotional asskicking the past couple of weeks had taken its toll on her. It was good to see her smiling and laughing again, like small little streaks of sunlight shoving their way through the clouds after a rainstorm.

With Christmas Eve now upon us, we girded loins for the final push, the rally of presents, food, family and stress. The power finally being restored to her place, we hauled stuff back over to the house for final wrapping and prep. Up until that very day, the Christmas Plan B was established at her mom's house, and that was continuing forth, but the kids could have Christmas Part Three later in the afternoon Xmas day...so we stocked the tree with phat loots, had a drink and enjoyed the warmth and glow of power restoration.

It was both joyful and triumphant.


Quite an adventure, these past few weeks. Kids are happy. Moms and dads are exhausted. And I hope, above all else, that some faith and trust was restored.

Love isn't just about all the happy fun stuff...the true test is getting through the hard parts in one piece, and most importantly, never losing sight of what that love is, and what it means to your life and happiness.

Strength and patience.

Hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday.

//end.

Peaking over the edge or just falling on your ass...

1am, or thereabouts, can't sleep and big fucking shocker, have some quiet time to contemplate the state of things and leave another voicemail for the Big Guy. I don't mean that cynically, either - I just figure what with the holidays, wind storms and all other manner of crazy shit that's been creeping up lately, He's working overtime. My whining can certainly wait until we return to our regularly-scheduled programming after the first of the year.

Funny though. I sit down at Ye Olde Wünder Box and let the magic of the intertubes ease the mind and soul, and out of pure motor-reflex, I check email, even though I'd done the perfunctory checking not more than a couple hours prior.

Well, call it my reading too much into the fortune cookie or Someone checking His messages on a more regular basis than first assumed, I found this sitting in not one but three Inboxen:

As we grow and move through Life, what little lessons we take for granted...

We learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
We learn that we'll have our hearts broken probably more than once, and it's harder every time.
We learn that we will break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
We will fight with our best friends.
We will blame a new love for things an old one did.
We will cry because time is passing too fast.
We will eventually lose someone we love.

So dance your heart out. Take too many pictures. Laugh too hard, and the most important lesson of all:

Love like you have never been hurt.

Life is far too short, and every minute we spend in regret, fear, or anger at the world is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end,
Be afraid that it will never begin.
~Anonymous


Are you kidding me? Even for random spam TIMES THREE - God...dude....you're kinda creepin' me out with this stuff man.

Seriously.



Ok. For my next trick, I'm going back to bed to stare at the ceiling and ask to win the damn lottery.

Now watch, His voicemail box will be "full"...

NOT FUNNY! *shakefist*

----

Update: Just to add to more of the fortune-cookie fun while we're at it, here's mine and, shockingly enough, Amy's Personality In a Nutshell, courtesy of MySpace bulletin spam:


>>>PISCES<<< >Caring and kind >Smart. >Center of attention. >Too Sexy, DAMN IT. >Very high sex appeal. >Has the last word. >The best to find, hardest to keep. >Fun to be around. >Freak in the sheets >Extremely weird but in a good way. >Super good in bed. (Da Man) >Good Sense of Humor!!! >Thoughtful >A partner for life >Always gets what he or she wants. >loves to joke >Very popular >Silly, fun and sweet.

-Hazel eyes-

People with hazel eyes are GORGEOUS SEXY and go all out all the time.They have the most unusual relationships. They're awesome at diversity and trying new things and very rarely will say no to ANY challenge. They are also the best in bed and love to play games they are very out going and they are sexy as hell and they are NOT nice when they are mad .


Now I can't claim much responsibility or accuracy, but there are just those times in life, where a series of events occurs in such a manner that leaves you with nothing left to say but simply "what the hell...really?"

Yeah. I'm still waiting to hear back on that lottery winning stuff....*HINT HINT*.



//end

Uncool.

24 hours without power makes one have, if even slight, a better appreciation and understanding for the things around us that we take for granted.

Like heat. Light. Hot water to take a shower.

Washington and Oregon got slapped upside the head with one hell of a storm Thursday evening, with massive rains and winds reaching upwards of 90mph in some areas. That evening, standing outside on Amy's balcony, we watched the trees bend and quietly scream as the winds tore things left and right, and eventually, the little light show that was power transformers popping across the Woodinville-Redmond valley provided brief shots of entertainment...until the power went out for us too.

Candles lit, we got kids to bed and presents wrapped, sat on the couch and just enjoyed the quiet of the house as the fury of that storm howled outside. It was kind of romantic in a way, but even so, I had to head on home and see if any trees had rudely entered their way into my little apartment via a window or something equally crappy. Don't get me wrong - I would've loved nothing more than to curl up in bed next to her and just listen to that storm wreak its havoc, but...yeah, well. In due time, I hope.

So, I packed up my stuff, and adventured forth into a very windy, very dark drive home. There's something eerily melodic about places and things you know, suddenly missing key features as the scene passes you by. Street lamps and traffic lights, the ever-present glow of the big yellow Shell gas station sign, or the Starbucks logo in green and white. When you suddenly remove those little bits and pieces, the whole becomes foreign.

Motoring on home, seeing the evergreen path of destruction along the roads was also quite a sight. The entire drive smelled like a Christmas tree farm after harvest, and the roads looked like a warzone of downed trees and branches flying everywhere. The tricky part was dodging the stuff in mid-rend, my poor little car even getting slapped in the face by a falling tree as I crested a hill. No damage to speak of minus a broken windshield wiper and some scratches; the very tip-top of the tree had crashed into the road just far enough in to bonk The Blue Bomber on the passenger side. But I won't lie - that puckered my butthole for a minute.

Getting into Woodinville after that first foray into Mother Nature, again, seemed alien. Not more than 20 minutes ago, I was in the middle of a wanna-be junior hurricane, and now I'm crossing through green-light intersections that I've driven thousands of times like nothing's happening. Granted, it was kind of nice to just have light on the road and power when I actually made it home, but still...

My power finally blinked out around 1 or 2am, and thankfully I'd charged my phone enough to wake me up the next morning and attempt the drive to work. The Day After, so to speak (so melodramatic, I know) was equally impressive to witness, as the light of day shed itself on the poor tree victims that it had claimed. It was everywhere, and the entire drive in to work, not a lit light bulb to be found.

Now, why I was trying to go to work is beyond me - I knew that the entirety of Redmond was without power, and the basic laws of secure buildings with keycards dictates that without juice, you ain't gettin' in. Even so, had to try - which in and of itself was a mistake. My car, having developed a case of the Squeaky Belt the day before, starting acting really strange. Give it some gas - no go. Oh hey, radio's turning on and off....sweeeeet. So, I immediately turned around and limped on back to homebase, crossing fingers and making prayer-promises to be good, just get me home...!

Made it home, shut the car off and ran my first test of theory: start it again. Nothing.

*sigh*

Long and short of it though, figured out the problem, and with the incredible friends that I've mentioned previously, made several stops and finally found the bolt (yes, one stupid M7 metric bolt, the cause of my woes), fixed it, and even managed to stay where it was warm and recharge my batteries. All of them.

A rather craptacular 24 hours nonetheless, but arriving home late last night, I was pleasantly welcomed by a house with power and heat, so what started horribly that morning certainly ended a little better.

(God bless those line crews out there fixing this little blackout.)

I don't think I can quantify how great some of the people around me are...those that always seem to be there when I need them the most, especially when others just seem to up and vanish. Helping get a car fixed, or simply letting me hang out where there's heat and comraderie - those are things I just don't know how to show enough appreciation for, so the best I can do is memoralize here in words.

For those still without power, I feel your pain and hope it comes back on soon. You guys are all more than welcome to come hang out here, but..then...if you don't have power you're probably not going to be reading this any time soon.

Crap.

//end.

Here we go...

It's finally arrived. We are now in the midst of the 12 Days of Christmas. Twelve glorious days left to shop, overextend credit cards, worry about right or wrong colors, sizes and brand.

I had a long, hard but very much necessary discussion with mon amour last night, and we bridged some gaps, drank some beer, nursed sore elbows, and in general, just enjoyed the quiet and being able to talk.

It's difficult, watching someone you love so intensely, suffer through tears and pain that you can't do anything about. You want so desperately to come to the rescue, to have the exact rights words to say at the exact right moment to make everything better...but you just can't. I don't think there are words enough to recover the pain that she's had to deal with, so I keep doing whatever I can to help and support her through all this, even if it's just sitting there, my own heart breaking at the sight of her in tears, trying my best to just give her my strength. I would suffer through all of this for her if I could...but how the fuck do you express that to the very person that's actually suffering?

Dammit.

Strength and patience, grasshoppa...

Yeah yeah I know...*grumble*

Mhmm..



In other, related news:

- Christmas itself should be interesting this year. Because of this new job and being stuck in between pay periods due to my initial start date, I'm getting down to the wire on shopping time, and the real crappy part is that I have not one but TWO Secret Santas to ship gifts to. UPS better not fuck with me this year or I will bring the pain.

- The job itself is going pretty well now that I'm getting into the swing of things. It's slowly becomingg not exactly what I signed up for, but the past 10 years in this industry have taught me that that's par for the course. Even so, I'm most definitely not going to be bored at work any time soon, which is a good thing. The scary part is that I'm going to be dealing with a lot of very important people in this company on a routine basis, so I have to have my 'A Game' on at all times...something I'm not entirely good at doing. However, it's allowing me to learn new things, expand my knowledge base and experience, and make a fuckload of money doing it...so I can't complain.

- The guys I reached out to this week for help with Amy's website idea have been more than responsive, which is great. Seems that they all want to help in some way (except for Gary who probably hasn't checked his GMail account in a year) and that in and of itself is quite endearing, and reassures me as to why I keep the friends I do. Friends you can count on like that are few and far between...I've just been blessed to have an abundance of them in my life so far :)

- Lastly, to the person that asked: The tattoo on my left arm is the kanji for Year of the Dragon, the Chinese zodiac year I was born (1976), and, coincidentally, the year my daughter was born too (2000). And yes, those are my real arms. I lift heavy stuff every now and then.

--

//end.

Questions.

What is love, and how do we know...really, truly know when that love is real?

One of the hardest questions we face in this world, and it's something that's been revolving around in my head since late last night. You may think this odd or weird, but those late nights when I can't sleep, I sit and stare at the ceiling in the dark, kind of phase my eyes out of focus and tune the rest of the world out and have a chat with God. Sometimes He listens...sometimes He answers...other times it feels like I'm just rambling into the answering machine.

Even so, those late nights of thought - be it God or my own mind and heart giving me the answers i'm looking for...well, those moments of clarity are few and far between, but when they occur, it's something I've learned not to ignore.

What is love? How do I know I'm in love? How do I know I'm being loved?

Over and over and over, those questions have been circling around in my brain, like rotating puzzle pieces, trying to make them fit together and see the answer come together. But is it really that easy? Can staring at the ceiling, waiting for some divine inspiration really answer one of mankind's greatest mysteries...or am I just waiting for the beep to leave a message again?

Again, call me crazy, or laugh it off...I won't fault you one bit. It's taken a lot of years, a lot of tears and pain, and a lot of failure on my part to come to these conclusions.

What is love?

Love is sacrifice. It is a giving of yourself, your heart, your soul to another, be it a child, a parent, a friend, a partner. Some say to define love, look to Jesus as our example. Without delving too deeply into the theology, the pureset example of God's love for us was His giving His only son's life for our sins. It is the ultimate sacrifice of Himself, for us. That is love.

Love is a mother's calming touch when we're in pain.
Love is a friend's support without even being asked.
Love is a father's embrace of strength and security when we're scared.

Love is the unyielding sacrifice to another for nothing but that person's happiness. To give them trust, faith, hope, safety, joy and security in knowing that no matter what they face, no matter how far they fall, you will always give yourself to them without flinching, without question...without a moment's hesitation.

Love is the total surrender of your heart to that person, knowing...
believing...that they will treat it better than you will.

And therein lies the rub. It is God's greatest gift, and His greatest quandry of the human condition.

How can we totally sacrifice ourselves, when time and time again it seems that when we do...when we finally let those walls down...let those wounds heal...accept our scars...when we reach the edge of that final cliff, our self-preservation kicks in, and we shy away from what we know is real, and true, and wonderful?

Why is it so goddamned hard to love?

Is it the sacrifice itself, or is it fear overriding our common sense, displacing our trust and faith in ourselves and in others?

It's a monumental task, to overcome those fears and second-guessing. But my god...when you find that love, and you willingly give yourself over... *sigh* Even me, nary a moment without something to say or the words to say it - even I find it hard to describe just how fiercely real this kind of love is, like a fire that burns in my chest with such incredible intensity.

Let me put it this way, I guess..

If I had a wish. Just one wish in this entire world to do with what I so desired, you know what I would wish for?

I would wish for the entire world, each and every person out there, to be able to see and feel the world through my eyes, through my heart. I would wish for every single one of you to know what I know, and to know true, unshakable, unquestioned love. I would wish for the entire world to know what it's like to just be near her, and feel my entire heart and spirit glow with life, happiness and love.

I would wish for the entire world to see through my eyes, through my heart, when she looks back at me and I just know, without ever having to say a word.


Love is sacrifice. It is the unquestioned, unflinching giving of one's self to another in all that we do, from the smallest, almost unoticeable tasks to the most ultimate of sacrifice. Taking out the garbage when you say you will. Stopping what you're doing to teach a child how to tie a shoelace. Opening a stuck jar lid. Being there when a friend just needs you to listen and not judge.

Love is a mom doing everything thing she can to protect her children.
Love is a father's teaching and patience.

Love is strength. It is honesty. It is an undying willingness to be and do whatever we must to protect and cherish those around us.

Love is the breath of life itself, and knowing it...knowing true, unshaking love is one of the most inspiring gifts we can encounter in this life.

I've found it, and I've made a promise to that love, to that sacrifice. Patience, strength, honesty, trust...all for nothing else but her happiness in life. To know what I know. To surrender that heart willingly, and to know that I will cherish and protect it...her...until the end of time itself.

That is love. And it is incredible.

Scrubs + Charlie Brown = Awesome

No words, just rad.

The Storm Theory

Some days, it just feels like I can't win.

I try. I am trying. Not just to win, really...but to just be. To get along, to be happy, to be content but never complacent.

I thought I was doing a pretty good job there for awhile, and then the Great Snowpocalypse of 2006 hit last week, and everything's been running downhill since.

Got sick, didn't pay attention to it...then got really sick. Made a bad choice with the best of intentions and am still paying the price.

Now? Now I'm just trying to maintain. To keep my faith where it needs to be. To be strong for someone I love deeply...but in order to do so, it means drawing back, ever so slightly.

For a while there, I thought things were finally moving in the right direction, and don't get me wrong, 99% of my life is not too shabby these days, battered kidneys notwithstanding.

It's that little 1% motherfucker that keeps tripping me up, and the more I try to just tell myself 'be patient...be strong...no one ever said this would be easy'..it doesn't seem to matter. Every day, I wake up and face another day of wondering, wishing, and longing, and regardless of my work, projects, sore, recovering body, I still feel erased. Scratched out. A side-note scribble.

Even so, I made a promise and it's one I intend to keep. It's this little avenue of outlet that allows me to press on and do what I need to do, each and every day.

I just hope that someday, what I am doing here and now will be looked upon with nothing but love, because that's why I am doing what I'm doing. Until then, I'll keep fighting these brief glimpses of loss, seperation...if only for the moment, it feels like I'm on the other side of the glass looking in, and I want nothing more in this world than to be there, with her.

God knows why I'm here, feeling like this...God knows how much I truly, deeply love her.

And I made a promise.

For her.


----


Update: Wow, well...in just under 9 hours, several questions of why and what's going on and am I ok, so let me clear a couple things up.

a) I am most certainly alive and will continue to remain so as planned for the next 35-50 years if all goes accordingly.

b) In reference to what I mentioned above, well... It's hard to explain, and even harder to deal with, but let me just say that through it all, I know it will be worthwhile. She is worth it..and if you don't know what or who I'm talking about, then you haven't really been paying much attention.

c) Yes, I do love her. More than I ever thought possible, and the coming days, weeks, months (god i hope not) are going to put that love to the test.

What happens next is out of my hands, and I know that. All I can do is keep my promise, be her hero, and let God and my love for her do the rest.

----

//end.

What? Where's Dr. Cox!?!

So, it took me passing out walking up the stairs to my house to finally figure out why I've been feeling SO fucked up the past 4+ days.

Turns out the strep throat I got worked its way down to my kidneys, and as I started taking the antibiotics yesterday to make my throat feel better, it made my kidneys (and the awesome pain) even worse.

Sitting in the ER for 5+ hours with tubes and shit all over me is most definitely not my idea of fun. BUT - I have some awesome pictures to re-tell the tale with; I'll try and get them up tomorrow if I can find my little USB cord thing.

The shitty part about this whole ordeal has been finding myself unable to explain why I've felt the way I've felt, and having people all but laugh at me calling it nothing more than a "sore throat and a cold" or "what's the big deal about a fever?"

Well, the big deal is me being 8 to 12 hours away from my kidneys just giving up telling me to fuck off once and for all. Having my mom, who is normally a very pragmatic & practical 'walk it off you'll be fine' Mom - say in no uncertain terms "get to the hospital right now" when I asked her what I should do about the pain in my lower back.

Turns out she was right, and I wasn't making shit up or over-reacting at all.

----


I can't fucking sleep, still. Maybe I should've gotten those Vicodin afterall....bleh.

I still feel really, well...shitty. My whole body is stiff and sore, my pride only slightly damaged after having to shuffle down a very long hallway to the "special" bathroom that facilitates pee'ing in small cups in a not-designed-for-real-people gowns that are purposefully impossible to tie off.

No matter - the drawers were clean and the socks hole-free, so I shuffled onward.

The upside to the sweet gown - showing off the gams:




After that, Nurse Sam finally made an appearance, having explained that he and the on-call ER doc for the evening had been tied up with a heart attack. All in all, my situation could be worse after hearing that.

Nurse Sam then proceeded to put this in my arm, and not very gently:



Yeah, that'd be Skippy poking the PAIN BUTTON. Ow...quit it. Ow...quit it. Ow...quit it.

Big jerk.

However, I rallied back like a true rockstar...




And then...a lot of waiting. And pain.

More waiting. Pain.

Oooh...feeling kinda woozy again. Man I aced my leg pretty good when I ate shit on those concrete stairs. Hope no one was watching...fuckers.


Waiting.


Pain. Fucking hell that hurts. If you've never been punched or even poked real hard in the kidney area, I don't recommend it. It's by no means fun, and having a recurring cycle of that non-fun every 5 or minutes is like, the total opposite of fun.


This sucks.

Fuck.

It's 12:30am Friday morning.

I feel like complete shit. Out of nowhere, my tonsils decided to swell up Tuesday evening, and I've been fighting pain, nausea and a 101 degree fever for the past 2+ days.

I barely made it home this morning, had to pull the car over not once but twice because I was shivering so badly that I lost sight of the road.

Haven't spoken to Amy since 8:00 this morning. I was supposed to watch the kids and drop them off at school this morning for her, but I was so sick, and so angry\disappointed for letting her down that i sat there, edge of the bed, shivering and sweating at the same time, wrapped in a blanket and cried for the better part of 20 minutes. I didnt know what else to do.

Have no insurance, so going to the doctor or even a walk-in clinic is out of the question. I did get some good advice from Tiah, however, and if this fever doesnt break by tomorrow I know where to go. I just dont know if I can get there.

First "real" week at the new gig has been stumped by horrible weather and me feeling even worse for two days straight.

My stomach feels like it has holes being burned through it. Can't manage to hold anything beyond water and hot tea down without puking. So much fun on the already-painful throat.

Im sitting here slowly typing this because my entire body hurts and I haven't managed more than an hour's sleep in a couple days.

I dont even know where to begin on what started out as a rather decent week, and the worst part is I havent felt this alone in a really long time.


Update:

So I finally heard from my dearest late, late last night, and her day was even more spectacular than mine. She fell nearly 10 feet off of a stage during a company photo shoot event, and if it hadn't been for someone breaking part of her fall, could very well have been seriously, seriously hurt. As it stands now, she has a fractured right elbow and will be in a sling and quite possibly a cast for the next 6-8 weeks. Bad enough, but I'm so thankful that it wasn't worse.

I so desperately want to go take care of her, but I don't know what I could possibly do. I have to go make an appearance at work, even if just for a couple hours and then maybe go find that clinic that Tiah mentioned, because I don't think I'm going to get healthy on my own. I want to tear my tonsils out of my head and just be done with it, but that's not going to help either, and to top it all off, it feels like the infection has turned itself into my left ear, so now I have an incredibly painful ear ache to contend with.


Man, fuck this week.


Update #2:

- Big thanks to everyone that sent in well-wishes to both me and Amy - it is greatly appreciated. I couldn't get an appt. over at the clinic Tiah offered up, so I'm going to hit the walk-in clinic here in Redmond and just bite the bullet I guess. Hoping they don't bend me over too badly with no insurance, but we'll see I guess.

I haven't heard from Amy yet...hoping she's at home sleeping and healing, but who knows for sure. I'll be sure to pass on the kind words if and when I do get to see her :)